Clouds Fade

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself or you'll start to get worried about your mental stability. My goodness. I spent about an hour this morning getting everything ready to write. I finally sat down to begin but started smelling this really weird odor. I sniffed the air, sniffed the area around me and was starting to wonder if I was smelling myself. Yes, I know that's gross but we've all done it, right? I even said out loud to nobody "Is that ME?!" I finally got up to wander through the house to see if I could locate the cause and found a frying pan I had put on the stove to heat up for eggs. Like a long time ago. Well, it's hot now! Have you ever burned the teflon coating off of a frying pan? It smells horrible when you do. Trust me. <eyeroll>

So now I have no idea how to go from that to my topic so I'll just plunge right in. If not, I'll ramble on and start telling you how this kind of thing is typical for me but some times are worse than others. Like the time a couple months ago when I thought I would wipe down my gas stove before we left the house and nudged the knob. My poor soninlaw almost left this earth when he came home that afternoon and smelled gas from the driveway. Thankfully, he knew to not turn on any lights, opened the doors and sat outside until it dissipated. Good grief! I tend to get a little more scatter-brained when I'm overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed. That feeling when even the smallest tasks become too much and you lose the ability to think things through. I'm not talking about typical stress; busy life, hectic jobs or family drama. Those are normal life issues. I'm talking about that state you sometimes find yourself in when you truly can't function. The definition of the word best describes what I'm talking about.

Overwhelmed:

buried or drowned beneath a huge mass.

defeated completely.

overpowered.

Wow. Sound familiar? I'm so sorry if it does.

After I wrote the first blog post, I had no idea the loss I was feeling after losing my dear friend, Loretta, was about to be greatly magnified. My dad began feeling sick a couple weeks later. After several days of no improvement, we insisted he go to the hospital and get checked out. We didn't realize our world was about to be turned upside down.

Liver cancer. End stages. No treatment options. The hardest three sentences I've had to hear.

He lived three weeks before leaving this earth to spend eternity with Christ whom he loved and spent a life time serving. He was the most perfect father, husband, grandfather and great-grandfather. Our family is broken and will never be the same without him. I'll never be the same for sure.

I could go on with this and list the other "stuff" that has happened before and after Dad's death but I don't want the focus to be on the pain. Just know, when Satan starts attacking he doesn't leave the ring after just one punch. He stays until it's a knockout. That's exactly what he did or at least he thinks so anyway.

You're probably wondering at this point when I'll get around to explaining the title, Clouds Fade. I promise I'm getting there. I told in the last blog that I run away when I get overwhelmed and I was going to stop running away and begin running to. This week I did just that. I had reached a point in my grief where I needed help and that help for me can only come from God. You see, I know me. I know I can be strong, independent and stubborn for only so long and it's then I begin hearing Him whispering in my soul. I start longing for his voice and the peace it brings. When you're surrounded by constant chaos, it's hard to hear that voice so of course that's where Satan wants to keep us. He wants us so overwhelmed that we can't hear God.

Yesterday, I was on the beach trying to hear that voice. I couldn't stop the tears. So many questions of "why?" and "where are you?". I was lying back in the chair looking up at the sky. Sunglasses on so people around me couldn't see that I was crying. It was a really cloudy day and the wind was blowing. The sky looked like this.

As I laid there, I felt God asking me, "Where is the sun?" And I thought to myself, it's right behind those dark clouds. From there, the conversation in my heart went a little like this:

But is it gone completely?

No, the clouds are just in the way.

Did it disappear? No of course not.

How do you know it's still there?

I can feel it. I can see bits of it shining through the edges of the clouds.

Crystal, my child, I'm the sun.

I felt like he was telling me it's the same thing through all of the trials in life. Satan and the things he throws at us are just clouds. They are placed in our lives to try and keep us from seeing God. The one thing he can't do is remove God completely. He's the sun (son)! He's there. ALWAYS. Nothing Satan tries to put between us can keep him away.

There are times we feel like we can't see God at all. Our circumstances can be so overwhelming they are like dark clouds blotting him from our sight. Just know, the winds will blow and those clouds will move and our glimpse of Him will increase.

Until....that day when we see him completely. Face to face. And there will be no more clouds and trials in our way. We'll see our heavenly father! We'll see the sun!

And I'll see my Daddy right there with Jesus.

Rest In Peace, Daddy. I love you so very much.