Introduction aka "Why Am I Reading This?!"

Take 2 <slapping that little movie director thing together>

So I've been tossing around the idea of a personal blog for a couple years now. Due to my recent sabbatical (otherwise known as running away from home), I've been in a better mindset. Enlightened, renewed, energized, awakened. All of that stuff, right? I thought I could teach myself to set up a website with a blogging page and just pound out the keyboard to help some other lost soul out there find their way. Yes, that's a joke. I have a degree in procrastination so motivation is not one of my strengths. For me, this is quite impressive.

What actually happened was... I came close to tossing this laptop off a 7th floor balcony after losing what I'd spent 2 hours writing. I literally clicked on the drop down thingy to save a draft and our power flickered. I lost all of it! Every. Single. Word. And it was GOOD, Y'all !

This blog was my compromise for the book or YouTube channel people have been saying we need to do about our family. We're "those" people. You know the ones who ALWAYS have some sort of crazy drama going on? Yea...that's us. I would say addiction struggles of some family members for many years is probably the root of it but there is much more. I don't want to dwell on that but just so y'all know, it IS what made me crazy! However, the beauty of it all is we have a strong faith in Christ and no matter what happens we know He loves us and never leaves us. I would love to say this blog's purpose is to help you figure out your "stuff" and make the right decisions but the truth is I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. Anything else is way above my pay grade. What I can do is share our life along the way; the good, the bad and the ugly. Typing that out just now, I realize there's only one positive in that and two negatives so let's fix that. I can share the bad, the blessed and the beautiful. There you go! That has a better feeling associated with it. Because here's the thing, even through the bad we can see the blessed and the beautiful parts. I promise to write about all of those at times.

I would like for today's focus to be on laughter. We're going through a scary and troubled time in our country right now and the future looks very questionable. Regardless of our personal, political or religious differences I think we can all agree that change is coming. Actually, it's here. We are going to need some laughter!

I can't think of a better example of laughter than my dear friend, Loretta. We've been friends for 20 years and I can honestly say she can crack me up more than anyone I've ever known. You know that friend who always says the funniest thing at the most inappropriate times? That was Loretta. We could begin a phone call or visit being very sad about her ongoing health issues or my continuous family drama. Midway through the call, she would say something that would have us laughing and in joyful tears. Everybody needs that kind of person in their life and Loretta was mine. Unfortunately, her health rapidly declined over the last several months and she lost her battle a few days ago. I'm heartbroken and truly can't imagine not having her in my life. She was a beautiful person and one of a kind.

I knew Loretta wasn't going to be with us much longer but due to the coronavirus I didn't get to see her during the last few weeks. At the time, I thought I was making the right decision due to the quarantine order. I battled back and forth in my mind trying to decide what the best thing to do would be. I chose to stay home and play it safe and I'll always regret that. I realize it was the "right" thing to do but she was worth it and I would do it differently if I had to choose again. What I did was something I always do when I'm overwhelmed. I ran away. We have a place I can be by myself and I went to do just that. What I've realized while I've been here is I need to stop running away and instead run to my father. My heavenly Father. I've spent some time in prayer and solitude while God has used that to help me break through things I've been battling for a while now. There's a reason he says to "be still".

I never want this blog to look as if I'm portraying myself to be a perfect Christian. I'm not ! I'm a sinner saved by grace with a big emphasis on the sinner part. I want to be that perfect Christ follower. I want to serve those in need but struggle with being able to make the time to do it. I want to have a forgiving spirit but y'all people need to stop pissing me off. (Yes, I know that was bad. I said I try. I didn't say I was good at it.) I think sometimes Jesus looks down at me and thinks "could you just NOT go there?!"

But back to laughter <eyeroll> That's another thing. I'll do lots of eyerolls during this journey. It's rude and it's a terrible habit. Rolling my eyes and talking back to my Mama is probably what got me in the most trouble when I was a kid. Sorry Mama. I love you.

What was I even talking about? This post is going to be an hour long. (Run and make coffee. You have plenty of time!) Laughter...Loretta... Okay.. So a few weeks ago, I was visiting Loretta for her birthday. Hospice had been called in and she was very sick. The realization that this would be her last birthday was more than I could bring myself to think about. I wanted to buy her something for her birthday so I went off to this cute little gift shop. Have you ever tried buying a birthday gift for someone you love but is dying? I don't recommend it. After being in the store almost an hour and looking at everything that just didn't seem right, I lost it. A complete and total meltdown with a flood of tears and snot bubbles. (you're welcome). I left with nothing, got in my car and pulled a small notebook out of the console. I decided to write a list of memories to give to Loretta. Just some random things that I'll always remember and think of her....and laugh. :-) I debated on putting these here because some of them won't make sense to anybody else and some were during times when I needed some extra Jesus. So if my church people are reading this, just know I'm a perfect example of God's forgiveness and mercy.

Loretta,

These are some random things I'll always remember and when I do I'll smile and laugh just like I would if you were still with me.

1- Your obsession with Golden Girls. I'm pretty sure you're the reason Lindsay started watching it and now between the two of you I've seen every episode multiple times. I will always watch it now and hear you giggling at Blanche. (You're Blanche!)

2- The song Neon Moon. You played it on the jukebox at the bar every time we were there, in your car and on the computer in your office. And you sang along. I'm so glad you did.

3- Your love of bald men and the need to rub their head even if they had a woman with them. I'll never forget that one woman who did not appreciate you appreciating her man!

4- So many nights at the local bar listening to music and taking a small child there so she could dance. Jasmine, we were the worst babysitters but we love you like crazy. The one night we could never forget because I almost died. Two words. Mayonnaise bucket.

5- The first time you met Steve and I was afraid we were too "redneck" for my new boss. Of course you two hit it off immediately and he loved you as much as I do.

6- Me, you and Debbie at the beach playing Scrabble. Talking and laughing of course. I wish we had done more of that.

7- You drove all the way to my house (over 3 hours) for Jessica's baby shower while you were so sick. Thank you for loving my kids so much.

8- The golf cart episode at the Chamber of Commerce golf tournament. Neither of us could drive that stupid thing and then the one group of men got all upset because we almost ran them over. <eyeroll> I wonder why they never asked us to volunteer again?

9- Staying those nights at the hotel after it flooded and we had to close but someone had to be on the property. It was so creepy and we were terrified but we still managed to make it like a grownup sleepover.

10- Speaking of creepy! The time you had to fire the man at the hotel and you wanted me to be a witness while he cleaned out his office. We definitely weren't expecting the large stash or porn magazines he pulled out of the cabinet! Your face that day! I'm laughing now.

11- You had to remind me almost every day to pick up Lindsay from elementary school...and I would still forget. The school would call and you would fuss at me for leaving her there again. Sorry Lindsay!

12- You always gave me great (exaggerated) references after I quit working for you at the hotel. So great in fact that I basically had superpowers as far as you were concerned.

13- Mexican food. Always Mexican food. So many times we would say we had meetings and we would sneak away from the hotel and meet up for Mexican food (or shopping or Bob Evans or the movies!) You made me smuggle chips and salsa to you while you were in the hospital at Duke and that hateful nurse gave me hell over it.

14- I think one of Lindsay's favorite memories of you is when Jasmine was about 4 and we took her to Wendy's. She had her babydoll with her and I left it with you while we took her to the bathroom. You put ketchup on the baby's face and told Jasmine "Look! We killed your baby!" She was traumatized! And we laughed our butts off (Sorry Jasmine)

15- The big ice storm and we were snowed in at the hotel. Me driving all of you around while you kept insisting I take you to Walmart for chocolate Cheetos. There was no convincing you there was no such thing. Not in your state of mind at the time. Steve walking back into the hotel slipping and sliding on ice while he held onto a huge bucket of jellybeans. You laughing at him the whole time.

And that's the thing.... you were always laughing. I love you, Loretta Jean Barber. I'll see you again but Jesus is going to expect us to behave.